You are in love and getting married. One or both of you are bringing children into this marriage and one or both of you may have been married once before. It is a time of great hope, excitement and promise for both of you. You may never have expected this wonderful person to come into your life. They have and now you are anticipating a lifetime of happiness together. It looks so simple. It is not.
You are entering into a "new" or "step" family situation. It creates a new household that has biological and non-biological connections among the inhabitants of the home. It often will include contact with another biologically connected parent to children. It certainly will have children who are not sure they have a voice in this new family formation and may be resistant to coming together.
Usually we have little preparation for this new family life. While it looks normal from the outside, it is very different from the traditional family. The next few years will be a time of great challenge as everyone learns to define themselves in this new environment. It is said that in stepfamilies the `honeymoon' for the couple who marries does not come until about the seventh year. The day after you marry you both will hit the ground running and have to manage the very complex dynamics of daily life.
There are some things you can do to ease the difficulties of adjustment.
First, be aware that it can take upwards of seven years to successfully develop your new family. It will feel like forever and knowing this time frame will help you understand better what is happening.
Second, both adults in the home have parental roles. The biological parent has the job of discipline over his/her children. The non-biological parent may feel frustrated with this truth. He/she may feel they have no authority. Both of you, the adults, must learn to think ahead and manage, as a couple, the multitudes of situations that will occur in your busy home.
Third, you must be united in agreement in front of the children. In preplanning and frequent talking together, you will arrive at strategies and rules under which your home will function. The agreements you make are also supported by each of you. It will undermine the marriage if the children come between you.
Fourth, as a couple, you both must make time for your relationship. You must assign a specific time each day or week when you can pay attention to each other. No matter how busy you are, you must assign a priority to your relationship. You will need to continually rekindle the love that caused you to take on this incredible role in this new family. It will become an important time you will look forward to having together.
Fifth, think about how you will create new celebrations and develop new rituals that are unique to this family. Will you say grace before meals? How will holidays work when children are moving between a few different households? What is the seating arrangement at the dinner table? Can times when gifts are exchanged (birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, etc.) be structured in a way that does not force anyone to give if they are not comfortable doing so? How will people greet one another when they enter or leave the home? Who will determine what TV show is watched? What completely new rituals can you develop that will allow everyone to participate?
Finally, identify a support network of others in stepfamily situations. In talking with people experiencing the same challenges in family life and married life, you will find solutions and support.
Most important, know that your love and marriage set a wonderful example not just for your children but also for other families around you. You will be an inspiration to others by demonstrating the resourcefulness, strength, and wisdom of many wonderful stepfamilies.
