Seriously Dating

1. Don't rush into marriage. The average age of a person in America when they get married is now about 26 years old. In general, the older a couple is, the greater the chance that their marriage will go the distance.  According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 59% of first marriages between couples who are years of age or younger end in divorce within the first 15 years, while only 35% of marriages between couples who get married at the age of 25 or older end in a divorce within that same time period. A few years makes a big difference.



2. Take things slowly. If he (or she) really is the one for you, there is no need to rush things. Get to know each other well, in a variety of situations, before pledging undying love to each other. Relationships that begin with a foundation of friendship are usually much more stable in the long run than those that rush to euphoria, only to later crash and burn.   

The wisdom of this type of approach was highlighted in an article published in the L.A. Times on December 16th, 2002 entitled "The Brain in Love." The article discussed a long-term study conducted by the University of Texas in Austin which "identified three paths through early courtship: fast and passionate, slow and rocky, and in-between." The fast-track group, about 25% of the total, usually were interdependent within weeks, tended to ignore or forget their initial problems and were committed to marriage within several months.  By contrast, the slow-motion group took an average of two years to reach a commitment, spending up to six painstaking months in each stage.

When it came to success at the 13-year mark, the tortoises won out. According to Ted Huston, the study's lead investigator, "The more boring and deliberate the courtship, the better the prospects for a long marriage, I'm afraid. People who had very intense, Hollywood-type romances at the beginning were likely to have a big drop-off later on, and this often changed their view of the other's character." Apparently, slow and steady wins the race.

3. Become educated about relationships. A first step is by reading some of the great books and articles available. The book Relationships, written by Les and Leslie Parrott, is an excellent place to start. Other good resources are The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships byJohn Gottman, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and How to Make Yours Last, also by John Gottman, and 10 Great Dates Before You Say "I Do" byClaudia & David Arp and Curt & Natelle Brown.



4. Develop healthy communications skills and conflict resolution skills. Dr. John Gottman, of the University of Washington, is able to predict with a 91% accuracy level whether a couple's marriage will succeed or fail by observing them interacting with each other for as little as five minutes. It's not a matter of whether the couple argues or not that is key, but rather how they argue, and how they treat each other when they argue, that turns out to be the most important factor in a couple's long-term success together.

Each couple develop their own particular pattern of interaction in a relationship. While a positive pattern of interaction will build up each person and the relationship, a negative pattern of interaction will usually tear down each person as well as the relationship. The good news is that positive patterns of interactions can be learned.  The earlier in a relationship that healthy communication and conflict resolution skills are learned and put into place, the easier it is to make changes, before bad habits get too heavily ingrained.

5. Avoid living together. Many couples think of cohabiting as a trial marriage, but research by the University of Wisconsin indicates that 40% of cohabitants break up before getting married. Those who do end up marrying each other after living together experience a 50% higher divorce rate than couples who had not lived together.  Instead of experiencing a 50% divorce rate, these couples experience a 75% divorce rate. Overall, we find that only 15% of couples who live together before getting married end up in a lasting marriage. If you want to increase your odds of being in a lasting relationship, the results of the studies on cohabitation are not encouraging. The University of Wisconsin study is only one of many that give similar results.  

For an interesting discussion of why living together does not work as a trial marriage, as well as a review of a number of other studies that give similar results , check out two articles written by Dr. Willard Harley on his website at www.marriagebuilders.com. Three good articles are "Preparing for Marriage","Living Together Before Marriage #1," and "Living Together Before Marriage #2."

6. If it looks like this relationship may be getting serious enough that the two of think that it could lead to marriage some day, we strongly suggest that you take a premarital inventory such as FOCCUS, PREPARE, or RELATE before you actually get engaged. Any of these inventories give a roadmap of areas in your relationship that you still need to talk about  before making your final decision concerning your future together.  Many faiths offer one of these instruments to their engaged couples as part of their marriage preparation process, and most are willing to let non-members take it as well.



7. If the two of you do decide to get married, participate in the most rigorous marriage preparation program you can find. Studies conducted by the University of Denver show that couples who participate in a high quality marriage preparation program reduce their probabilities of divorce within the first five years by two-thirds. Being married is a skilled profession, and necessary skills can be taught and can be learned. The Engaged Couples section of this web site contains a number of resources available to customize a marriage preparation program.  The time you spend preparing for your marriage will have a much greater impact on your life than the time you spend preparing for your wedding. A wedding is just a day, a very important one, but a marriage is a lifetime, and we want the life you share together to be the most wonderful it can be.  



8. Once you are married, continue to invest in the relationship.  Good marriages do not just happen. They are built. Try to participate in at least one structured marriage enrichment event each  year. These can include married couples retreats, a class series on marriage, or participating in an ongoing married couple's group at your place of worship. More resources can be found in Newly Married Couples and Marriage Enrichment.



9. If your marriage starts to experience problems, get help right away. The sooner the problems are addressed, the easier they are to fix. A recent study found that only 10% of couples who divorced sought help from a professional counselor before filing for divorce, and that those who did get help had been experiencing problems in their marriages an average of six years before they sought help. Mutually agree before you marry that if either of you ever feel that your marriage could use some outside assistance, you both will go in for help together.    



10. Talk. Once your relationship gets serious, and you begin to talk about marriage, go over this page with your significant other. Ask questions such as: "If we got engaged, would you be willing to take the time to participate in as thorough a marriage preparation process as we could find?" "If we got married, would you be willing to participate with me in at least one structured marriage enrichment activity each year of our lives together?"

"Would you be willing to agree, up front, that if we did get married that one of the 'rules' of our marriage would be that we would both be willing to participate in marriage counseling at any time that either of us requested it?"

This is a very important discussion to have. It give each of you an indication of how much commitment and dedication the other would be willing to give a future long-term relationship. It may be setting out guidelines that will keep an eventual marriage relationship on track. We all look for that in a marriage: a promise that will last a lifetime.