Many couples who are engaged tell us that they found in this person they are about to marry a true
soul mate. Most of us hunger for a close relationship, where we can feel comfortable, accepted, respected, and unique, and while marriage usually starts in that place of total acceptance, the daily grind of unpaid bills, flat tires, unreasonable bosses and flooded basements often create stresses that come between two people. It takes some skill to keep the intimacy in your marriage alive and growing.
So does that mean intimacy is not possible? That it's a fleeting reality that draws you into a commitment and gets you stuck there? That a crumb of closeness is better than most people ever get? NO, NO, NO. Real intimacy in marriage does exist, is attainable, and is definitely worth working for. If you can work on the intimacy in your marriage, it makes many things a whole lot easier. It takes judgment out of the relationship. Fairness is not any longer the bottom line. Household chores, finances, the stresses of jobs and extended family all become less important. If you are able to establish and maintain a feeling of closeness between you, then you will find a way to work out those other things. They become the small print, the subtext of your lives, and they lose their power to become a wedge between you.
Most of our previous life before marriage teaches skills that are stumbling blocks to intimacy. We learn to be guarded, not to reveal our true selves and innermost feelings. While it's a wonderful freedom to be able to let down your guard, it also takes some practice to keep the door open to one another. Now, while you are still in the early days of your marriage, when intimacy comes more easily, make a pact between the two of you to work to keep the closeness alive in your relationship. You have found what most humans yearn for. Protect it.
